Dear Google: How to Make Me Miserable…

I suppose I understand why Google is removing their formerly-extremely-valuable-tools-for-marketing-geeks (The Keyword Tool, Google Reader, RSS Feeds for Alerts, etc).   The bottom line is, the money is in the shallow end of the pool, not the deep end.  If you want to make millions, market to the masses, not to the propeller head, spreadsheet loving, direct-response-education consuming Ph.D marketing junkies like me.

Similarly, I hope you’ll avoid making the mistake of marketing exclusively to the 0.1% of the market who is as knowledgeable, passionate, and expert about your topic as you are.  (Not to be confused with letting the most hyper-responsive customers educate you about the market please)

I don’t fault Google for doing this.  It takes a lot of resources to maintain these things, and the ROI just isn’t there.  It’s smart business.

However, it makes me truly miserable.  Because not only aren’t those tools available for me, but I then have to spend weeks researching work-a-rounds for the systems I’ve taught thousands of people to rely upon.  (Don’t worry, one will be forthcoming shortly to replace the Alerts RSS feed, and I’ve already posted the work-around for the keyword tool in the club)

So in this spirit, I thought I’d try to save Google some time in their efforts to make me miserable by making this list.  Feel free to add to it if you’ve got ideas:

  • I often walk around the house without shoes.  Perhaps Google could hire some small neighborhood children to randomly charge at me when I’m not looking and spit on my feet…
  • In my refrigerator on the right hand side I always keep about 4 containers of organic greens.  Google could, perhaps, hire someone to contaminate them with plutonimum
  • My computers are on the fourth floor of the house.  I have one with Windows XP, and another with Windows 7.  I’m sure they could find a local college kid to program them with subliminal messages that say “there are scorpions and spiders under your bed while you sleep” that flashed at me all day long.  That would be great.
  • I love berries.  They’re good for your immune system, and I’m sure to eat at least a pound every day.  Perhaps Google could arrange to put so much caffeine in my blueberries that I’m promptly driven to an amphetamine psychosis, hospitalized, and no longer able to work
  • Last year we had a flood in our basement.  I particularly enjoyed that experience.  Perhaps they could hire a firetruck to come and pump a few feet of water in?

Anyway, I just thought if the product managers at Google were sitting around brainstorming ways to make me miserable I might as well lend them a hand.


I’ve recently discovered that most merchant account underwriters are overcharging.  Which means most entrepreneurs are paying way too much.  Plus, most entrepreneurs have NO plan for dealing with merchant account problems associated with sudden growth spurts or spikes in charge-backs, etc.  Which is pretty dumb, because sudden growth spurts always come with those kinds of problems, and sudden growth spurts is what we’re all working to engineer in the first place!

So just go fill out the short contact form on to find out how much you can save (FREE ANALYSIS).   Sure, I’ll make a little money if you do decide to switch, but you’ll put a LOT more back in your bank account every year.  If you’re doing any regular credit card processing at all the odds are there are thousands of dollars just sitting on the table.

It only takes minutes to switch, and this is NOT something where we sell your name to dozens of brokers.  I’ve connected with a really good source and you’ll deal with one primary person to figure out the best solution for you.

Because here’s another way to get miserable…

Engineer a really strong monthly income, then have it all come crashing down because the money-movers won’t let you process!